Love, Passion, and Power

Your marriage is in question and you’re facing a real dilemma. You may be the one who is deciding should you stay or should you go.

“I feel like I need to get a divorce and end this so called marriage. Yet how can I be sure? Some days I feel more confident of my decision than others. A part of me still loves him or at least I care for him. I don’t think I am in love with him, but what if I make a mistake. A lot of people will be affected by what I decide. Maybe I should not rush ahead with this. That’s amusing since I have been thinking about it for three years. This whole thing wouldn’t even be an issue and I could forget about this divorce, if he would just change his behavior.”

Or you may be the one who has just heard that your spouse wants a divorce.

“Divorce? Where did that come from? Two weeks ago we were talking about a vacation in the mountains. I had no idea our marriage was this awful? I am shocked and devastated. I have got to find a way to put a stop to this. Maybe this is all a dream and when I wake up things will be back to normal.”

Most books and articles on divorce are written based on the assumption that once a couple says they want a divorce that they are ready for divorce. It is our experience as therapists and divorce coaches, who have helped many people through this process that this is in fact not the case. Usually when couples begin the divorce process, either one but more often than not, both, are not really ready for the divorce.

Divorce professionals such as therapists, mediators and attorneys often believe that statements such as, “I’ve had it with him.” or “My feelings have died for her,” are indicators that the marriage is over. Attorney’s often equate being hired for their services as an indicator that the couple is ready to divorce. This is not so.

Most couples who begin a divorce are unprepared and are often not even on the same page when they begin. It is this lack of preparedness and readiness for a divorce that either causes marriages to end prematurely or divorces to deteriorate into competitive contests. The decision to obtain a divorce is one of the most crucial decisions a person can make with consequences that last for years or a lifetime. A decision this important requires much greater attention than it is usually given by both couples and professionals. It is a process in and of itself. Once a couple is prepared and ready, they will sooner be able to begin their divorce by both being on the same page and this will eliminate most of the emotional and financial struggles that cause divorces to become adversarial and ruthless.

The reason many people do not even think about getting ready for a divorce is because they operate under the assumption that the sooner you can get out of a stressful situation the better. So there is a natural tendency for people who are in difficult marriages to want to get the divorce over with as quickly as possible in order to move on with their lives. Family and friends often encourage this as well. They hurt for the family and so also prescribe to the myth that the quicker the divorce is over, the sooner everything will return to normal. But unfortunately in most cases just the opposite happens. Couples who make rushed decisions to leave the marriage have had no time to evaluate their feelings, thoughts or options. As a result they are unprepared for the roller coaster of emotions, the complicated legal system and the many life changing decisions that they need to make. Quite often they make agreements which they cannot sustain, and instead of the situation getting better, they often find that they have just traded one set of problems for another. So it is no wonder that they often get tangled up in lengthy court cases and the very thing they hoped for, a quick divorce, often takes years.

This article outlines what couples need to do in order to face the numerous dilemmas that are inherent in divorce. A dilemma implies that you are torn between two choices, each of which have undesirable fearful elements. If people have not resolved their dilemmas before the divorce, they go through the process trying to manage their fear in different ways by hiding their doubt, responsibility; vulnerability, or dependency.

Whether a couple is starting the divorce process or even just contemplating a divorce, they need to first identify with the following divorce dilemmas.

The Three Divorce Dilemmas

Couples who are facing the possibility of a divorce face one of three dilemmas:

1. I want the divorce, but I am not sure if it is the right decision. Since going through a divorce impacts the lives of your children, as well as your lifestyle, economics, and marital investment, the pressure to make the “perfectly correct” decision is enormous. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees. The best case scenario is to make a decision that is not emotionally based, nor driven by your ego.

2. I do not want the divorce, my spouse does. Being in this reactive place will leave you feeling out of control and a helpless victim. You will experience intense emotional devastation, as your life will be changing before your eyes without you having any say in the outcome. In addressing this dilemma you need to ask yourself if you are clinging to staying on familiar, safe ground and to a marriage based on illusions. It is not easy to acknowledge and confront the problems in a marriage, when you are feeling so hurt by your partner.

3. I only want this divorce because my marriage is not working. If this is your dilemma, then you will want to avoid responsibility at all costs by seeing your partner to blame for the demise of the marriage. There will be tremendous preoccupation and anger about how your partner caused you to make this decision. The amount of noise generated from this blaming will be in direct proportion to your unwillingness to risk expressing any of your own fears and sadness. If this doesn’t occur, the divorce proceedings to follow will be riddled with tension and conflict, and a continuation of the blaming.

The common element in all three dilemmas is fear. In the first group there is a fear of making a mistake and being incorrect, the second will hide from it by denying that there are any problems or admitting their attachment to the familiar and the third group will fear any accountability and softness. The result in all three circumstances will be dragging, combative, and back and forth divorces.

For divorce to be a collaborative and respectful process, the couple must be prepared and ready to separate their lives on all levels; legally, practically and emotionally. To do this each person must face their divorce dilemma by answering the following 8 questions.

The 8 Questions

1. Do you still have feelings for your partner?

Many people who say they want a divorce still have strong feelings for their partner, but due to an ongoing power struggle in the relationship there is a lack of intimacy and closeness. If this is you, it is best that you work on your relationship prior to deciding to divorce otherwise your feelings of loss will overwhelm you and you may find yourself worse off after the divorce than you are now.

Celine had been married for seven years to a man she loved, who she considered to be a real sweet, gentle guy. However, she was very unhappy about their financial arrangement. She was the responsible one who paid all the expenses, while he seemed to be forever getting them further into debt. She was very stressed and miserable and saw divorce as her only way out of the financial strain she was under. But because of her feelings for him she was not able to support such a decision or even set a clear boundary, for fear of losing the relationship. With the help of her therapist, Celine recognized that she either needed to either set a clear boundary and be willing to lose the relationship, or else accept that all her hassling was a waste of time.

2. Were you ever really married?

To be really married a couple must have created a relationship that included an “us” or a “we.” Many people who are considering a divorce have never had a marriage that was anything more than two individuals meeting their own needs. They may have raised children and shared a home but they participated in those activities from a competitive rather than unified position. They would ask — “Do I want to do this or that”, rather than ask “Is this good for us?” If you have not developed a genuine “we” in your relationship this would be the time to either commit to learning how to do that or to admit that you have never really had a marriage.

Even as a therapist who works in the area of divorce, I had a very difficult time admitting that my own marriage of fourteen years was in fact in name only, regardless of the years that we lived under the label of husband and wife. Our pattern was to threaten to break up every few months, and we had a daily ritual of fighting, and agreements that rarely lasted more than a week. I used to joke to my wife that she needed to keep her bags packed just in case she needed to leave quickly. This pattern remained despite the numerous counseling offices we attended. It was not until I was able to acknowledge to myself that I was neither single nor married, that I was in fact nowhere, did any real change occur. We started the real divorce process two months later.

3. Are you truly ready for divorce or are you just threatening?

Divorce is often threatened, especially in heated marital arguments for the following reasons;

Out of anger and frustration.

To gain power and control over the other person, to get them to see things your way.

To finally be taken seriously that you want real change.

As a wake up call that the marriage is faltering.

People who consistently threaten divorce lose credibility with themselves and their partner. If the person is not merely threatening, but is genuinely ready for a divorce, they can sustain the following thought in their own mind, “That I wish to close a chapter of my life, because I am at peace with the fact that there is no more that I can do or give to this relationship.” They will discuss this appropriately with their spouse without any blame.

4. Is this a sincere decision based on self awareness or is it an emotionally reactive decision?

To be ready to divorce your partner means being able to make a clear, unemotional decision that you can support over time. Divorce means being able to let go of all strong emotional attachments to the other person, the loving ones as well as the hostile and hurtful ones. Emotionally charged decisions do not last and if acted on do not resolve the underlying problem. People who divorce out of anger stay angry even after the divorce is over.

A woman came to see me as her divorce coach after she had been divorced for five years because she was still struggling with the effects of her divorce. Her problem was that she was still feeling rage toward her ex husband and found her self hating him on a weekly basis. I said to her, “It sounds like you are still married.” She insisted that this was incorrect due to the hatred she had for him. I responded that the hate she was experiencing essentially reflected a great passion toward him despite her hateful label, which I doubted any current man could match. I stated that only someone who is married could have such a passion. From that moment on she began to emotionally detach from her ex husband and work towards, with the help of the coaching, a real divorce.

A statement that would indicate that you are making a sincere, rather than an emotionally reactive decision is, “I acknowledge that you are a person in your own right with your own personality, hopes and dreams, I can respect you for that, but I no longer want to be married to you.”

To be ready for divorce is to have a lower emotional attachment to the person you are separating from, other wise, the divorce process itself will be roller coaster of intense feelings, including anger, distrust and hurt.

5. What is your intent in wanting a divorce?

Any agenda, other than ending the marriage, is an indication that you are not ready to divorce. If you are hoping that through the divorce the other person will change and start treating you better, realize how much they have lost or pay for how much they have hurt you, you are getting a divorce for the wrong reason. Divorce has no power to right wrongs nor change people’s hearts and minds. Divorce can only do one thing, end a marriage, and in so doing free each person to make new attachments to new people.

6. Have you resolved your internal conflict over the divorce?

Everyone who goes through a divorce is conflicted. People can feel guilty at the same time as they are sure that they want to end the relationship. Or they can feel betrayed and at the same time recognize that their life will be better once they are out of the relationship. Recognizing the conflict and owning that different parts of you will be struggling with the impact of divorce, at different times, is part of the process of getting ready for divorce.

Rick was having the hardest time deciding what to do about his marriage. For the longest time he claimed that he was confused, conflicted, and torn. He couldn’t seem to feel at peace being in the marriage or in leaving. His wife was verbally beating him up over his indecisiveness, often calling him a wimp. As his therapist, I asked to speak to the part of him who wanted out and I told him I didn’t want to hear from any other part. He started to speak quite clearly about feeling no passion for his wife, but within a minute he began to hedge this voice with statements like “She is a good mother or she is dependable.” Each time he would attempt to dilute in this way, I would have to say that I only wanted to hear from the voice that wants “out.” As the wanting “out” voice became more and more expressive, he began to visibly sweat. I asked “What is happening?” Finally, he said, “I am feeling guilty.” Where is that coming from?,” I asked He said, “I made a promise that I would never follow the path of my father who left my mother.” With this opposing voice sorted out and clarified, he was no longer confused. He was able to see that this old promise to himself was in conflict with his present desire to end his marriage. As he continued to work through those two opposing parts of himself he was finally able to make a decision that he felt at peace with and three months later he began the divorce proceedings.

7. Can you handle the unpleasant consequences of divorce?

Divorce brings change and grief because it is the loss of the “happy family” dream. Hurts , disappointments, loneliness, failure, rejection, inadequacy can all take hold of the psyche when we are in this extremely vulnerable passage. To be ready for the ups and downs of divorce it is necessary to have a support system of family and friends who will be there to help you emotionally and practically when needed.

One of the hardest consequences of divorce is needing to face another person’s pain, be it your children’s, your family or friends because divorce affects so many people’s lives. If you are the one choosing they divorce you will have to hold on to your decision and the ending of your marriage in the face of all these people and circumstances. If you are the one who does not want the divorce, but your spouse wants to proceed, you will still need to get ready to accept the following consequences of a failed marriage. To know if you are ready, ask yourself if you are prepared for the following changes;

If you don’t want changes to your finances, lifestyle or traditions then you are not ready for divorce;

If you cannot accept your children’s sadness and anger then you are not ready for divorce

If you cannot acceptance times of insecurity, fear and the unknown then you are not ready for divorce

If you are not willing to let go of your spouse mentally, emotionally and spiritually then you are not ready for divorce.

I recall one woman who was totally bored with her one dimensional passive husband and she expressed what seemed like a very strong desire to leave him after 20 years of marriage. Each time she would tell me that she was going to tell him she wanted to separate, she would back off long before she got home. To help her recognize her own struggle we made a list of the consequences of divorce, and the one thing she said she could never accept was the fact that her kids would hate her for leaving their father. She said she could not risk that, no matter how bored she was. Once she owned that this unpleasant consequence of her divorcing him would be more than she could stand, she was able to think of other ways to resolve the problem of being bored in her marriage. Over time she became more independent and started to travel and develop interests of her own.

8. Are you willing to take control of your life in a responsible and mature way?

Whether you are the one who wants the divorce or the one who is having to respond to your spouse wanting the divorce both situations have one thing in common, the marriage is ending. How people respond to this fact determines the type of divorce and future they will have. They can come from a position of bitterness, revenge or helplessness or they can negotiate for their future from a position of strength, understanding and respect.. The attitude you choose will determine the type of divorce you have. Your options are as follows, you can make Agreements that:

Protect your rights only or Respect your spouse’s rights too

Are only good for you or Are good for everyone

Give your spouse less or Give your spouse what is rightfully theirs

Do not inconvenience you or Work well for everyone

Need frequent court hearings to enforce or Need no court hearings to enforce

It is our experience that people who prepare themselves by first addressing all 8 questions are more likely to have a collaborative divorce. By starting the process in this way they are much better able to make lasting agreements with each other, resolve their difficulties and develop parenting plans that both supports the children and respects each other’s rights.

Bruce Derman Ph.D. and Wendy Gregson LMFT have extensive experience in helping couples obtain a Better Divorce through preparation, collaboration, and effective negotiation.

“A human who insults another instead of throwing a stone is the creator of civilization.” By Sigmund Freud.

I want to clarify for you the difference between real feelings, anger, sadness and fear, which are natural emotions, and pseudo feelings such as resentment, despair, and protection, in order to support and ground all your relationships. Quite often I encounter clients who are intent to let me know how resentful they are about situations in their life. Typically, they are more comfortable labeling this as anger rather than resentment. They have no qualms about expressing this in every session. Despite the repetition of content session after session, they consider it all irrelevant and they pay no attention to turning me into an audience for their emotional display rather than allowing me to guide them toward their goals, my main therapeutic task. I dedicate the distinction I am about to share as a reminder to us all even though we may be reluctant to see the benefit in it.

Commonly pseudo feelings pose as real feelings but don’t meet the criteria as they have no beginning and no end and possess no accountability nor consciousness. They use justifications and blame of anyone or anything to support their existence. Therapists tend to over-listen to this and don’t stand up enough for real feelings. The purpose of pseudo feelings is to fill space, make noise, and avoid responsibility. The pseudo feelings for anger are resentment, hostility and punishment. For sadness they are despair and the depressing of loss. And for fear they are denial, unawareness, and any protection regardless of the cost. These all have in common no end and are insatiable to satisfy.

The difference between anger and resentment stems from the way we come to feel these

experiences. Brene Brown, author of Atlas of the Heart, also perceives “Anger and resentment are emotions that often go together, even though they are very different.” Anger refers to a real feeling of displeasure and is a five-minute event based on a present expression and not a review of the past. As an example, I confronted a client of mine who believes his whole life was organized around anger. I pointed out to him that in his entire life he has never been angry once; he has only been resentful. He was totally taken aback by my saying this, but after further elaboration, he understood what I was saying.

Resentment, on the other hand, is a feeling of bitterness which the individual believes he or she is treated unfairly. And although most people consider anger and resentment as synonymous, as already mentioned, this is not true. Anger and resentment are two very different experiences. Anger is a reaction to a disturbing situation or an unpleasant event. Resentment, however, is not merely an automatic response to a situation but involves a preoccupation on past events. This is one of the key differences between the two acts.

In addition, real feelings that consist of anger, sadness and fear have a clear beginning and end and involve 100 percent accountability and consciousness. As soon as that criteria for your feelings are not honored and become persistent, your anger will turn into resentment. The only purpose of real feelings, anger sadness, fear, is expression and has no other agenda. While I have total interest in your real feelings, I have only limited interest in your pseudo feelings unless you are willing to state that you choose to be resentful, hostile, or punishing or that you choose to despair and depress loss in place of your real sadness. Then at least you are accountable, and your intensity will lessen. Many people don’t respect sadness and fear, so they spend most of their time on resentment and trying to get rid of sadness.

Another way to distinguish anger and resentment is through the metaphor where are your feet facing? With real anger you need to have both feet fully in the forward direction, while with resentment you have one foot facing forward and one foot facing backward resulting in never completing feelings. Some people who are angry about their partner having an affair never fully express themselves and continue the same expressions for years.

Real anger is positive and brief if it is just expressed and not tied to some underlying agenda such as “I have the biggest hurt” or clinging to one’s story, “You have hurt me more than I have ever hurt you.” Resentment in contrast frequently asks the person who it is directed at to prove or defend themselves, but they never can. Resentment is time consuming in its endless repetition. Pseudo feelings are only positive if you don’t want responsibility which is the core positive intention of resentment.

When one is experiencing anger, there a process to be completed. It is essential that the sadness and fear beneath the anger be expressed and acknowledged. Too many times these steps are ignored in the interaction and yet are very important to reach real joy. Any hedging in this expression will not allow this completion. Conversely, none of this is necessary with pseudo feelings since completion is not a goal and the nature of pseudo feelings is never ending and to continuously support themselves to feel like a victim.

In working with clients who fail to discern the distinction between resentment and anger, a therapist needs to have integrated this concept on all four levels: mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. This is necessary because when you are encountering a pseudo powerful individual who has lived most of their life believing that resentment and anger are the same and no one has raised this as an issue, they have just assumed that their thinking is true and are surprised when I share that according to my philosophy, they have rarely if ever been angry. They have only been resentful, hostile or punishing. In addition, they prefer the protectiveness of their defensive resentment agendas.

If I sense that they are doubting my message, I choose to ask the question, “Why do you think you have done this year after year, and you are still not done with whoever you are resenting?” They usually don’t know how to answer this question or give some vague response which is helpful in clarifying the process. I allow plenty of room for their expected doubting given their history. Because of this conditioning the therapist needs to be willing to hold this perception for a period of time, and not just one session until the client can truly receive this concept.

Another thing to be noted with this population who live in the world of resentment is that they don’t usually have good boundaries and will aim their hostility toward you as you work on the process with comments such as, “You don’t support me,” “You are using the wrong approach” or “I am not pleased with your style.” I take this as an opportunity to demonstrate this process by inviting them to express their anger at me for just five minutes so that they can experience the difference.

The more the therapist can help clarify this distinction for the client, the better able the client will be to stay off dysfunctional paths and experience more harmony in relationships as well as to create space for the real truth of their life.

On love and relationships websites the words commitment and intimacy are mentioned over and over again, as many a love seeker are caught up in this quest. This pattern is similar in my psychotherapy practice in which numerous clients come in asking for my help in finding a committed, intimate relationship. Those who feel that they have failed in achieving this desire express enormous despair and lament that their life is not complete without this. They cry out “Will I ever find the ONE?” They then go on and share with me all of the times that their pursuit has ended up empty with tons of disappointment.

Typically, most people have never asked the question “What is a committed intimate relationship?” One woman came to see me and wanted my help in achieving this goal. So I asked her “Are you willing to experience sadness in your life?” She immediately answered, “No, I don’t like sadness. There is nothing positive in that experience. I just want a committed love relationship.” To this I said, “ I ‘m sorry, but you don’t meet the criteria for the relationship you are requesting.“ She tried arguing with me about my NO, and I stated that “these aren’t my rules; I am just letting you know the rules of a committed intimate relationship.” She left frustrated.

This experience is reflective of many people I have seen in my life, both professionally and personally, who have no idea what a committed intimate relationship asks for despite the energy they expend obsessing and seeking this goal. There is a major lack of understanding of what a committed intimate relationship (CIR) really is. This gap between the desired goal and what is involved speaks loudly why we see so much frustration in this arena, as well as the enormous divorce rates that occur in our culture.

This article is my attempt to fill that gap and assist single people, and even married ones, who choose this path. It is my hope to clarify the demands of this kind of relationship and the nature of this journey, which one will be asked for in this experience. My wish is to take the surprise out of the equation, which is a frequent result for those on this quest, in order to reduce the anguish and the mood swings.

EXTREMELY DEMANDING: The first thing is to realize that this journey is rarely just a smooth boat ride. The committed, intimate relationship is extremely demanding and asks you to be open and experience the many waves from joy to disappointment, as well as willingness to accept and expose numerous unacceptable internal personal parts, such as fear and sadness. Lastly, it requires the capacity to accept one’s deepest vulnerabilities. Anything less than this kind of openness will result in attracting people who are just posing as intimate partners, which will become obvious within a very short period of time. Also, be aware that there is no shortage of posers and pretenders. One couple came to see me who had broken up numerous times even though they said they loved each other. It was revealed that each time she felt scared in the relationship she would run, while he would desperately try to avoid his insecurity by protecting himself through getting aggressive. They were not open to their fear or their insecurity, and the relationship would continually overwhelm them, leaving breaking up as their only solution.

THE HONEYMOON IS NOT THE TRIP: A major dilemma that couples frequently face is their wish that the honeymoon period will hopefully last forever. In truth, the initial excitement that occurs during this time is merely designed to get one into the relationship, and is a very short part of the journey. It is meant to fade so that the real work of the committed, intimate relationship can begin, which is to look in the mirror and learn to accept and integrate the unacceptable aspects of ourselves. This will demand a shift from judging and rejecting qualities in our partners, to exploring the source of our rejecting behavior by turning our eyes on ourselves.

In no way is this easy work, and it will present daily challenges. If we select a relationship with a truly intimate partner, they will demand constant exposure from us by their presence with very few exceptions. Attempting to look good and hiding from a parade of our so-called negative qualities, including feeling impotent, inadequate and insecure will prove to be an endless task. A frequent lament I hear is “What happened to the person I first met? I say “Nothing happened, other than their presentable mask faded and the real person showed up.”

Numerous clients come to see me and present in various ways that they want a selective mirror that doesn’t reveal their fears, weakness, insecurity, inadequacy, boredom, or helplessness. I simply tell them that they are in the wrong relationship, and that a committed, intimate relationship is not suitable for them, since any true intimate relationship will leave them feeling all of these challenging emotions at one time or another. In magnifying their dilemma around the risks of exposure, I humorously express that I can find them a different partner, one who would have no interest in challenging them, and they won’t have to be concerned about many of these vulnerable parts of their humanness. Then I share that they can at least feel safe and that their life will have less uncertainty in it.

REAL COMMITMENT: Another point that many people fail to realize is that commitment is not just a word. Of course, we all favor that word, but to be able to sustain commitment in the presence of one’s fear usually reveals quite a different narrative. I have seen numerous individuals, who are starting relationships, state that they were committed, but as soon as fear shows up, they run for the hills or use many defensive postures to protect themselves from their partners. One needs to realize that fear is not an option in a committed, intimate relationship; it is a given. It will be there every time there is exposure to anything unknown that presents any uncertainty or insecurity, or any other unacceptable part that is revealed. After all, we have devoted ourselves to protecting against all of this long before we choose to enter a committed relationship. Yet despite these efforts, our partners are standing in front of us asking us in a variety of ways to be vulnerable and naked. It is at that moment that we are faced with demonstrating our commitment, and many of us say “NO.” It doesn’t matter how we say it, whether it is through avoidance, substances, attacking, or defending. It is still saying that we are not open to a committed, intimate relationship.

EXPOSURE: The committed intimate relationship is clearly a long- term involvement, which asks us to address many issues over a life span, such as raising children, economic hardships, learning to deal with an assortment of friends and family, managing the demands of a home, and facing losses including death. It is not designed for hiding. The partner that has been chosen will be there in the morning, night, and throughout the day. For many people that is too much exposure to bear. Yet short of divorce, it is very difficult to avoid the intensity and the glare. Even if we choose to leave, it will only be a matter of time until we are again facing exposure from a new set of eyes, and finding other ways to hedge the light.

MANY EMOTIONAL SHIFTS: A part of the couple’s journey is learning to deal with the emotional shifts in the relationship dance. In some periods we may feel extremely close to our partner, only to be followed by episodes of great distance. Or on other occasions there will be great excitement, followed by periods of powerful boredom. Then there will be times of deep love, interrupted by times of anger. Each experience will leave us longing for constancy, as our cries for just closeness end in extreme frustration. It is essential for each couple to allow room for the entire range of feelings and the realization that over the long term there will rarely be only one feeling.

REFLECTION IN SELECTION: It is also important for partners if they are considering the intimate couple journey to appreciate two things about who they select.

1. Your partner is a reflection of who you are and will match your emotional and mental capacity no matter how they look on the surface. They are certainly not an accident. They are a clear match provided one looks beneath the surface, since one can only create a relationship based on who we are. So on the intimacy continuum, someone who is a three on a ten scale can only select someone who is also a three. Now, many people find this too humbling because it can certainly put a dent in any inflated sense of who we think we are, especially in relationship to our partner.

2. Secondly, the CIR can be viewed as a series of doors, and each door we go through asks us to expand our love capacity. Can we love our partners when we experience their entire package, including ex’s, step children, illness, and job loss? As stated before, despite the variety of appearances and styles, our partner has a similar love and pleasure capacity to be intimate or they wouldn’t be on the same path. No one can be with more or less than they are, in my view. This can be tricky since some partners can put on a great act and appear to be a lot more than they are.

TWO FEET IN: Another difficulty couples run into in desiring a CIR is that it will ask us to put two feet into the relationship and close the back door or there is no real commitment. Closing the back door and not using leaving as an option when things get tense freaks out many people, as they view this as a trap and the loss of their freedom. If one needs the divorce threat as an escape from the intensity and demands of the CIR, I would not recommend this kind of relationship. I meet many couples who threaten the relationship every time they have a fight. The result is a relationship with zero safety. So before considering the CIR, ask yourself if you are ready to close the back door. If hesitation is present, it will be best to reevaluate your goal.

TESTING: Finally, we need to be aware that the CIR brings up a lot of testing activity whenever our partners feel insecure, which is normal for such a lengthy trip. So be prepared when your love, respect, acceptance, and commitment are being doubted by your partners. This is just part of the nature of walking together through the many challenges of life. The key for any partner in getting ready for the CIR is anticipating difficulty that arises, so that one doesn’t get hooked into proving and defending when the personal accusations start flying. Then we can merely listen without getting defensive or emotionally reactive when our partner says “You aren’t very open like other men” and be able to respond, “I hear that you don’t think I am equal to other men, so what do we do now?”

Another aspect of deescalating the predictable tests is awareness that most testing among couples are flunk tests. Ultimately, there are no passes in relationship testing, in contrast to our conditioned beliefs stemming from our school backgrounds. An excellent tool to use when our love is doubted is to simply ask our partner “What needs to happen for me to pass your test once and for all?” In almost every case the partner will have no real answer, enabling them to see that this was just a maneuver being used to inflate their perspective of themselves.

CONCLUSION: The more each partner can say “yes” mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually to everything described here on this journey, the more they will be ready to benefit from all the gifts that a committed, intimate relationship has to offer. If we don’t have a willingness to accept all these demands, it is best to not go down this path and save yourself a lot of grief.

Many couples talk about their partners as less than them in some core way. That is the primary reason the divorce rate is so high, since only unequals split apart. In support of this unequal perspective, many people present a picture of their relationships as being essentially an accident, like their coming together was a total mystery to them and everyone else. Within this perspective, some claim that they are the essence of intimacy and just happened to end up with an intimacy cripple. Others are very preoccupied with the differences between the sexes, as described by John Gray in Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, in which women are seen as being into intimate relationships and men are only into tasks and sports.

How many of you have ever verbalized to yourselves in looking at a couple, “Why are they together? They seem so different “. Well you probably got caught up in viewing some superficial quality and missed seeing that they are together because they are the same. The differences were just a façade.

In my work, I consider all of these conclusions about couples being so different to be myths that distort a true understanding of intimate relationships. Despite all the variations in personality styles among couples, I want to share with you even if you don’t want to hear it, that you can only be with your match. The partner that you are looking at across the table is merely a reflection of your relationship nature, no more, no less, or you wouldn’t have the energy to sustain any involvement. If you are only

open to experiencing fear to a moderate degree, than you will only match with people who are at that level. It will be the same with brief relationships, unavailable people, or high drama individuals. Eckhart Tolle, the author of the Power Of Now states “Ultimately there is no other, as you are always meeting yourself.”

As a result, if you keep having relationships with alcoholics who need rescuing, it is because you are not ready for more than a little boy, since you are in truth just a little girl who wears a caretaker disguise. Also, if you keep having relationships with narcissistic little girls who dump on you, it is because you are a little boy who doesn’t think he deserves anyone better. All these relationships are not wrong or even

unsuccessful; they are merely statements of who you are and who you are open to meeting.

In addition to your matching reflections, any partner who has an interest in you, especially if you have been together for several years, has the same capacity for intimacy and shares the same level of emotional development as you. In my opinion, if you were truly different in your emotional capacity you wouldn’t be together, and would display what I call loving disinterest. There would be no fighting, debating or arguing; just no interest.

Now, without a doubt, this view is difficult for many of you to accept, because the alternative of seeing your own limits is so exposing and revealing. Very few people are willing to be that transparent. The more typical path is to make up some story about yourself and your partners, so you can feel impressed with yourself. After all, who doesn’t like being right and looking good to the world about your selection of partners. It sounds good for our friends to hear that we could have had great relationship if it

weren’t for the behavior of our date, wife, or companion. But you need to ask yourself, if you are so convinced that you are better than your partner, then why are you with them? Do you have nothing else to do? Are you just feeling charitable? Or why are they hanging out with you since you devalue them or don’t love them? I have seen numerous couples in my practice repeat this same egotistical game year after year rather than acknowledge and being honest about their real intent; I am just using my mate to

glorify me.

Rather than accept the humbleness of seeing that you are no better than your partner and that they are merely a reflection of who you really are, we prefer to spend enormous amounts of time and energy proving that we are better or less than our partners. I call this verbal and emotional preoccupation THE DIFFERENCE GAME, in my book entitled, We’d Have a Great Relationship If It Weren’t For You. In playing the difference game, there is no task, perspective, or activity that cannot be used to prove that we are better or less than our partners, such as, "I love you more, I am more sensitive and open, I am brighter, I have better judgment, or I am more successful".

Imagine if you dropped this ego attachment and no longer participated in this game within your relationship. You would then have time to listen, love, share, and be sexual to a much greater extent than you have known in your relationship. Of course, you would no longer be able to use your partner to inflate or deflate yourself, and you would be on very unfamiliar territory.

To see if you are ready for this, imagine saying

She loves me as much as I do her

He is just as open as I am.

He is just as vulnerable as I am

She is just as interested in me as I am in her.

If you can say comments like this without hedging in any way, then you are ready for an equal and mutual, intimate relationship with your partner. However, if you hedge or justify in any way, then there is still room for you to continue playing the difference game and maintaining a non-mutual attitude. Being accountable for your relationship and giving up being a victim and clinging to justifications, such as “I am with him because there is no one better”, or “I am still here because of the children” all of which

takes courage to admit.

There are two major characteristics of a mutual relationship.

1. Real agreements – Couples who can support mutuality tend to make real agreements, not sloppy ones in addressing the thousands of situations that they encounter. A real agreement involves saying “YES” on all four levels; mental, emotional, physica, and spiritual .While it requires a greater commitment, these agreements stand up over time and don’t need to be gone over repeatedly.

2. The WE. A mutual relationship consists of three parts, in contrast to the presence of only two parts in unequal relationships. The three parts are your needs, your partner’s need, and the needs of the relationship itself. Allowing for the relationship to have its own integrity called The WE, helps couples to be grounded, open, and respectful. From this perspective the couple continuously makes reference in every conflict in asking what the relationship says, suggests, and mentions would best serve the couple’s

love and needs. An indication that The WE is present is that the statements shared are brief, inclusive, and never contain put- downs.

The benefit of appreciating and integrating the mutuality approach into your relationship is that the two of you will be experiencing a softening of your respective armors, as you leave behind your proving and defensive postures. From this place you will regard the other as your equal at the core. Couples who learn to be with their partner with a mutual attitude have considerably less desire to fight, put the other down, or be distant. When you realize that your partner is an equal reflection of you, there is no need to protect yourself and the doors of true intimacy are wide open.

Another benefit of developing an attitude of mutuality is that you will no longer be emotionally reactive to your partner, and go through a constant shifting of moving closer and moving away from each other. In this common dance one of you moves toward the other and then automatically the other moves back and away. Then at a certain point when the distancer starts to feel anxious and insecure, the distancer starts to moves forward until they can feel secure again about their partner’s interest and then the

game shifts again. The sad part of this repetitive dance is that the couple is never able to achieve any lasting closeness, since both partners see the other as a threat. All this movement reactivity dissipates when the couple sees their sameness in being equally afraid, as well as similar in their desire in wanting to be close to the other. When they can achieve that awareness they no longer need to protect themselves in this circular chase and can enjoy the stillness of being close to their partner.

Another consideration to think about is that only people who view their partners as unequal at a core level divorce. Couples with a mutual perspective hardly ever divorce. Have you ever heard anyone say, “He’s just as emotionally available and loving as me and I want to divorce him? I think not.

Finally, in recognizing their mutual equality, a couple no longer needs to use their differences to elevate or deflate themselves, and can now accept and integrate all their differences into the rich tapestry of their intimate relationship. The reflection they once feared is transformed into a powerful picture of their love

Overall, they’re the same. I’ve had a number of people, men and women, that I’ve worked with who were involved through Ashley Madison, which supports married people to have affairs. I don’t see any intrinsic difference. You would think that men have much more need to prove themselves sexually because of their primary sexual fantasy. The fantasy of proving they are desirable to all women, which plays on a lot of men. It is hard for a marriage to satisfy that primary fantasy. Women also have a primary fantasy which connection and security. Both fantasies are insatiable and neither one can be satisfied, but marriage really goes against the man’s primary fantasy more than it goes against the woman’s primary fantasy. However if your connection is weak with your man you are just as vulnerable to affairs.

In our culture, we tend to see things through very narrow lenses, and we don’t widen our lens to see the big picture. Anytime you’re giving energy that is taking you away from the marriage and from the marriage relationship. Anything that is not coming through the marriage, I consider an affair. Any behavior that does that is going to impact the marriage, even one that some consider a no-no which are women who have affairs with their children. I see a lot of that. In a marriage when the man is experiencing the woman being 100% consumed with the child, he feels he could drop off the edge of a cliff and it probably wouldn’t make any difference to her. Society considers that a devoted mother. We don’t say she’s having an affair. To me that’s bullshit. An affair is an affair. Just because you do it in a form that society says they favor, I don’t consider that anything less than an affair. Very few men would risk saying that they feel betrayed for fear being labeled as uncaring. Yet if he reacts and goes off and f*** another woman, everyone will stone him. But they won’t stone her, since it’s within safe presentable parameters.

Why does society function on such narrow lens?

Society always has a narrow lens. It’s a very biased culture, because we don’t accept that life is a duality. We tend to favor one side over the other, so trust is favored over distrust, and honesty is favored over dishonesty. Our conditioning goes along with whatever society favors and we tend to follow that thinking. As a result we miss the opportunity to train ourselves in thinking outside the box and to look through a much wider lens. In one decade, society favored that women ought to have sex with a lot of people. Then another decade comes along and they switch to the opposite. The problem is that our consciousness has trouble holding thoughts that include both sides of the coin, so we prefer to simply things by just following one side of any quality.

There is an example that I love. In the sexual arena we tend to look at men and women differently, in that women have much more sexual freedom than men within our society. Thus, if a man were to look inside a window where there happens to be a naked woman, they would arrest him for being a peeping Tom. Let’s reverse it. Now the woman is looking inside a man’s window and he is naked and he will get arrested for exposing him.

That’s a beautiful example of the way we’re so biased. People are less threatened by women having sex than by two men having sex. Some people really swallow this whole biased kind of thinking, and that affects their life tremendously. This is because you can’t live in just one little box. You can’t live on just one side of the street. There’s always going to be two sides of the street. There’s love and there’s hate. You have to appreciate that one comes out of the other. That things exist only in relation to their opposite.

If everything was blue, you would never know blue. You only know blue because there are other colors.

Is This Rooted From The Judeo-Christian Narrative?

Yes, because the whole thing is based on good and bad. Everything in Judeo-Christian values is either bad behavior or good behavior. The most popular book in the world is the Bible, which is filled with biased thinking.

How about all the other societies? Are they the same?

Not all the societies, but Judeo-Christian is a very dominant philosophy. There are cultures, not major cultures, who don’t have any words for comparisons. Their people are not caught up in making comparisons of good or this is bad.

Most of the world’s cultures are built on a particular bias in which their followers all subscribe to a particular bias. The tragedy is that they don’t treat it as bias, they regard it as truth. They end up with very narrow thinking.

Why are so many cultures like that?

A lot of their beliefs are fear dominated and if you’re fear dominated, you’re not going to be able to see through a wider lens. You’re not going to have a capacity for both sides of any equation. So, as a way to handle your fear, you’ll cling to certain narrow images in hopes that you don’t have to feel the fear.

Most people are afraid of feeling afraid. I support my people to be willing to be afraid and depending where you are with fear, that will determine how expansive you can be.

There is a film called, “Defending Life” where people die and go to Judgment City and appear in front of a tribunal. The tribunal has them on film throughout their entire life. The tribunal only cares about one thing. Has that person made peace with fear? If they determine that they have, they will send them beyond Judgment City, where they can get to use 45% of their brain. Most people who they determine have not made peace with their fear are put on a bus and are sent them back to Earth, where they will continue to use 3% of their brain.

Most people use very little of their brain, because their fear dominates them and their ability to think expansively and think beyond the box. Ultimately, they’re too insecure to do that. Instead, they cling to various narrow ways in perceiving things and they join groups, so at least everyone in the group supports them and goes along with the one way of thinking.

We tend to simplify things. We don’t like things too complicated. One way of simplifying is only look at one side of the coin and favor that, In teaching the merits of both sides, I declare that I am a secure and insecure man. That’s too complicated for most people. They can’t grasp that. They’d rather just cling to images of being a secure man and defend against any reference that they are also an insecure man. In my world

My insecurity is valued as much as my security.

It's one of the most difficult situations we face in our life: letting go of an intimate relationship that has ended (for whatever reason). After all, we have invested a lot of energy into this person and we thought it was going to be a love that would last forever. We believe that the reason our partner gave us for ending the relationship—as we claim to anyone who will listen—can't be significant enough to justify the breakup. When we don't get a clear answer as to why the relationship ended, we struggle with the lack of closure and don't know how to move on.

But regardless of how we feel, the bottom line is that the relationship is over and we need to come to terms with moving on. But how do you do just that? You have to shift your thinking from having a victim mentality ("I am the one who is hurt" ... "It was not my fault") to learning to be accountable for your behavior.

This kind of thinking will only prolong your feelings of rage and loss and keep you connected to your ex for longer than necessary. One client shared with me that his insistence on seeing his girlfriend as more than she was kept him in the relationship five extra years. The reason why he clung to these thoughts and feelings of inequality was to avoid being accountable for the outcome of the relationship. Where a person is in the face of accountability will greatly determine, in my view, how long it will take to move on from a breakup.

I want to share some thoughts with you to help you recognize where you are on this accountability continuum. The first step is to admit to yourself that the breakup was your choice, regardless if you were the one ending it. You selected this person with all his/her characteristics. The ending decision was not a mistake, but merely a reflection of you and your ex. If you dated a puffed up little boy who denies his fear of commitment, it is no surprise that he may come on strong in the beginning and fade away just as quickly.

A second consideration is that all relationships are successful for what they are and we need to stop fantasizing that they are more than that. Someone who has a track record of three-month relationships will end the relationship with you according to that schedule. If you don't realize this, you will end up missing a relationship that never existed.

Another way to assume accountability is to ask yourself why you still want this relationship? Perhaps it is the part of you that wants a long-term committed relationship. So ask yourself, does the partner you are grieving over have that to offer? I'd be willing to bet that most of the time the answer will be "no." If you can let in this truth, your tears will become a thing of the past when you admit that this relationship is not what you really want.

Typically, people who are upset about a relationship ending give all the responsibility to the other partner. To support accountability, you both need to ask yourselves, "What role did I play in the demise of this relationship?" If you say none, then you will be setting yourself up for prolonged anguish. It takes courage to admit our part because most of us prefer giving the other the major blame. Well, it takes two to get into a relationship, it takes two to participate in a relationship and it takes two to end it. So be honest with yourself and ask what role you played no—matter how subtle or unconscious it might be—whether it was through dishonesty, characterizing or holding back. Failure to see this will definitely keep a person from moving on, as it allows the voice of our victim part to have a field day with our emotions. In contrast, see what happens to your sadness and your pain the moment you look in the mirror and say, "I am equally responsible for this relationship ending."

In supporting moving on, it is vital that we totally accept our partner's hurt and disappointment without countering it, defending or arguing it away. Just allow it. Disappointment is an essential part of the breakup journey. It is not a problem. It is the nature of ending a relationship and experiencing the loss.

A final point to consider is that a lot of endings are just threats and are not true endings. So before you regard a termination, as the truth, see if the words sustain beyond the emotional moment. We tend to over listen to the verbiage in this area, and get hooked into the emotional chaos of premature endings . Slowing down can be your best friend. If the one who is ending the relationship can say “I love you and I no longer want to be with you and display no hostility or blame, then you are looking at an ending that you need to take seriously.

If you can integrate this level of accountability into all of your relationships, you can make the moving on process much less dramatic and painful for yourself, and help you to prepare and improve your confidence and trust in creating the meaningful relationship that you desire.

Just about everyone struggles with some level of issues around eating and gaining or losing weight, leading many to experiment with various diets in order to control their weight. Most of the time this leads to an endless roller coaster of losing a certain number of pounds and then seeing the weight come roaring back slowly or sometimes with great speed.. The reason for this is that we can use our will power for periods of time to physically lose weight, but often we fail to realize the changes that real weight loss asks of our attitudes, feelings and behaviors.

To really lose weight where it is not merely posturing has to be accomplished on all four levels; mental body, emotional body, physical body and spiritual body. Leaving any of the bodies out of the equation will leave a crack that can open a door to relapsing down the road. So it is essential that whatever way you decide to approach weight loss, that there is a yes from each of the bodies so that you enter into it with a real agreement from head to toe. So if starting a diet seems all right physically, but doesn’t address your emotional needs, it will be only a matter of time before your emotional body will be screaming to end this so called diet. To sustain a real weight loss involves a willingness to go through a series of steps similar to peeling an onion. Real is defined as being able to go through the numerous stopping points.

Each stopping point will ask you to attend to the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual qualities inherent in that step and to not skip over any of the steps. Here the focus will be on the process of losing weight, not merely the end result. Many people find the idea of steps to be too slow and they choose to ignore this process and rush to the end goal. The image that I work with is called a weight loss map and it is made up of a series of concentric circles. Each circle is separated by ten pounds as a meaningful step. So if you weigh 240 lbs. your next circle would be at 230 lbs. Of course you can also use this map to support weight gain by simply going from the inside out and reversing your direction.

Create a weight loss map

Once you are able to understand that this program deals with small changes in your attitude and behaviors, not problems, I’d like to invite you to create your own weight loss map starting with your existing weight. On the outside circle Draw a large circle and place the number of your highest weight on that circle. All around that circular line you are to put on it all of the behaviors that are needed to support that number. One example would be to write no self- esteem and self- negative talk. Then make another circular line inside that and write on that line a number that is ten pounds less perhaps 240 pounds. Between the 240 pound line and the 230 pound line you are to place all of the behaviors, feelings, and thoughts that you would need to support you and allow you to go from 240 to 230. It needs to reflect a slight change from the 240- pound line. You are to continue making new lines ten pounds apart until you have a circle for your goal weight whatever it is. Each of the ten pound increments represents a stopping point that you can only move past if you integrate the necessary behaviors contained within those circles.

Respect each number that you weigh as a perfect expression of who you are at that moment in time. In this system there is no delineation that this is a fat person and that this is a thin person. Each person is regarded as perfect in terms of their attitude. So a 240 pound person who is five foot three is not considered fat. Rather they carry a 240 pound attitude and all the behaviors and physicality that go with it. It is not considered a problem as much as it is a reflection of who they are with no judgment. The two major questions that are asked in this system is “How do you maintain your 240 pound attitude, such as doing no exercise and swallowing food or life with no chewing and what are the demands on all four levels of a 230 lb. attitude?”

The Diet from List

I have laid out a list of eating principles that a person needs to eliminate from their life at different points on the weight map circles in order to be able to move with integrity from one circle to a lower one. Failure to respect these items will expose your vulnerability to eating patterns that will increase your weight, so it is vital that you learn to respect each one and integrate it into your life.

Diet from swallowing life and learning to chew things up

Diet from eating other people’s comments and only respecting your own thoughts

Diet from building your life around global abstract words like don’t be RUDE and SELFISH

Diet from giving others the vote as to what you do or say

Diet from pissing away or denying your sexuality

Diet from hedging your own power

Diet from personalizing everything

Diet from regarding disappointment, powerlessness, and emptiness as the enemy and seeing them as your best friends

Diet from proving, defending and guarding

Diet from being secretive

Diet from distrusting yourself

Diet from living with one foot in and one foot out and be willing to put two feet in or out

Diet from being ashamed of being ashamed

Diet from being afraid of being afraid and learning to be willing to be afraid

Diet from being inauthentic and incongruent

Diet from not loving yourself

Diet from futurizing or living in the past

Diet from rejecting your sadness, which is the doorway to the depth of your life

Diet from immediate gratification

A commitment to respecting this process can mean the difference between a weight loss that is merely an illusion and one that becomes an integral part of your nature.

YOUR THINKING - HIERARCHICAL - EQUALITY

Your Perspective - Differences, inequality - Sameness

Your Level - Seesaw - Level field

Your Intention - Protector - Connector

Your Purpose - Maintain familiar image - Joining with self and other

Your Method - Use differences to prove Inequality - Look beneath differences to find sameness

Your Place - Comfort Zone - Beyond comfort zone

Your Attitude - Reject unacceptable, exclusive and judgmental - Embrace unacceptable, inclusive and accepting

Your Movement - Limited - Expansive

Your Style - Hedge and hide

Your Goal - Safety and survival - Passionate and exposing - Risking intimacy and living

Many divorcing couples lack a real appreciation for the true cost of divorce which goes far beyond just the financial piece. There is also the major cost to emotional and mental states as well as to lifestyle. Determine what your emotional cost will be as you answer the following questions on a scale of one to five, one being little or no cost to you and five being a significant cost.

1. How important is it to celebrate your child's wedding together?

2. How important is it to be able to co-parent together?

3. How important is it for your child to not end up in therapy as a result of your divorce?

4. How important is it for your child not to be emotionally scarred from your divorce?

5. How important is it for your ex to support your visions for your children?

6. How important is it for you to be able to look into your child's eyes knowing you ended their most important relationship with dignity and respect?

7. How important is it for your child to grow up in a safe, respectful, and nonabusive atmosphere and reduced to being involved in every conflict you two have?

8. How important is it for your child to feel that they don't have to take care of you emotionally following the divorce?

9. How important is it for you to enter your next relationship without drama with your ex?

10. How important is it for you to feel secure about long-term family issues and decisions?

11. How important is it for you to not live with the constant threat of going back to court?

12. How important is it for you to support your highest self and not your lowest?

13. How important is it for your child to feel safe to love both of you?

14. How important is it for you to feel a real finality to your divorce without feeling victimized by it?

15. How important is it for you to feel that your divorce decisions were mutual agreements?

16. How important is it for you to have a future free from resentment?

After honestly answering these questions with full accountability for your behavior, you will have a clearer understanding of the true cost of your divorce.

By Bruce Derman, Ph.D.

Divorce is not an easy life passage in the best of circumstances, since it involves making crucial lifetime decisions about marriage, children, money and property at a time in which we all feel very vulnerable and fearful. Despite those dilemmas a somewhat amicable divorce is possible until we add to the mix intense emotional agendas and personality disorders such as narcissistic, borderline and passive-aggressive, or just an overall refusal to cooperate, trust, and participate.

When encountering these personality obstacles and roadblocks, divorce professionals, including attorneys, mediators, therapist coaches, and financial experts, are vulnerable to being seduced into some of these common patterns.

1. Objecting to a particular behavior

2. Trying to convince the person to listen or change

3. Prodding in different ways in order to get someone to respond in a desired manner

4. Aggressively opposing what the individual is doing

5. Lecturing

6. Persuading

7. Colluding

In one instance, an attorney and a divorce coach were trying to make an impact by trying to help this extremely passive-aggressive woman to become aware of her self defeating process. They tried all kinds of ways to reach her but she deflected them with silence, distrust, brief answers, and just repeating over and over again her same points. After an hour of relatively gentle but constant explaining and convincing, they asked her if she felt heard and she simply said “No.” They each leaned back in their chairs somewhat exhausted, not even realizing that they had been seduced into an unproductive pattern of convincing due to her powerful passive behavior.

In another situation, a collaborative divorce team of two attorneys, two coaches and a case manager were engaging this divorcing couple around the issues of dealing with their children and respecting boundaries. The husband dominated the session by maintaining a constant banter of displeasure, hostility, entitlement, and aggression. In reaction to this behavior, each of the team members robotically attempted to oppose his verbalizations in letting him know that he wasn’t being constructive. In turn they told him to “stop his accusations”, “realize that he was getting a divorce”, “lectured him on hurting the children”, and “reminded him of his agreement not to blame.” He in turn would provide some lip service that he heard them, but then within minutes he would be back to the behavior in question. In this case the professionals had also been seduced into a ineffective repetitive pattern similar to the convincing pattern in the first example.

Convincing and objecting are reflective of an overall conditioning pattern which we are all have been subjected to in our lives, namely “oppose what we don’t like.” We are trained in this pattern from birth by our parents and the culture itself, so it is not surprising that we fall into this sequence when challenged by the intense, unrelenting, and overpowering behavior of high conflict clients.

In order to not to become entangled in any of the various reactive emotional spirals produced by high conflict couples, it is imperative that divorce professionals develop a philosophy and methodology which is equal in power to the clients they are dealing with. We find the Aikido philosophy offers the greatest flexibility in approaching the intensity and power struggles presented by this population. While Aikido is mostly known as a martial art, the principles inherent in this model are very applicable to addressing the seductive behavior we frequently encounter.

The mentality of the divorce professional who chooses to integrate Aikido into one’s practice asks for a very different mind set. Words such as permission, allow, utilize and anticipate are preferred over instruct, tell, impose, or direct. Thus this approach and philosophy involving extensive flexibility and acceptance will not feel comfortable for many who would prefer a more structured right –wrong view of life. In order to develop this approach one has to face and confront his or her own internal judgments of themselves Aikido is personally more challenging, requires more skill acquisition (e.g., learning and mastering mental and emotional adroitness) and is definitely not for the faint of heart. It requires more internal strength than a structured approach which provides a greater illusion of control.

The Aikido process is very client centered. The route and pacing in achieving each task in the Aikido divorce process is different in each case and is guided by each couple’s unique “voice” (personality, needs, issues, value system, historical patterns, etc. The flow of client centered work addresses everything the traditional approach does, but arrives at these tasks of dissolution differently for each couple.

Main Aikido Concepts

1. Joining

The main concept within Aikido is to not attempt to control what an individual presents with a more powerful force. That type of thinking is more congruent with the philosophy of Karate. Instead the object here is never to oppose a force, but to join with it in a harmonious, accepting, and energetic way. In this way you learn to “dance” with the energy that the person offers you without judgment or emotional reaction.

Don Saposnek, Ph.D. refers to professionals who use this approach as Aikidoists. We have expanded this term to refer to a divorce professional as an Aikido Divorce Warrior. The Aikido divorce Warrior accepts the client’s various challenges, their reluctance to change, as well their attempts to prove that they are more powerful than you and that you will fail them. Saposnek says, “The Aikidoist perceives the challenge not as a competitive or conflictual one, but rather as an opportunity both to learn about and to

guide the challenger toward more constructive and less harmful ways of asserting his energy.”

An example of this philosophy and approach:

If one is presented with rage, the object would be to invite and join with that behavior rather than objecting to it, by asking some of the following questions:

1. How long do you want to rage?

2. Would you like to rage more intensely?

3. What would that look like if you did?

4. How would you like your partner to respond to your rage?

5. Does your rage control you or do you control the rage?

2. Blending and extending

In addition to the premise of joining with the individual’s struggle, the questions allow you to approach the client displaying two other Aikido principles; blending and extending. Blending involves identifying with the rage in the previous questions, and wanting to understand all of the nuances of it so that you can fully appreciate it. In extending one invites the person to go further with any behavior they express than they are used to. If someone is passive for example, you would ask them to be more passive in ways they never have considered. At the point where they go beyond their usual comfort zone of passivity, their ability and desire to use that behavior to control will lessen.

If one is presented with a client who continues to take positions the object would to clarify where the person is going with that position. Asking the client if he or she is intending to work toward an agreement or has decided to polarize and create disagreement. We might say “It appears that you have decided to change the mediating dance to an I want what I want and I won’t settle for less dance. We are impressed with the degree in which you are willing to stand up for your way. What do think we ought to tell your spouse about their needs?”

3. No attachment

Another primary aspect of the Aikido approach is the lack of attachment to any one spot. Instead the Aikido divorce warrior is willing to be wherever the person is in whatever form it is presented. A common hazard for those working with divorcing couples is to become attached to the apparent goal of completing the divorce. When the couple or one of the parties continues their myriad of ways to not complete the process, the professionals become frustrated, angry and polarized. In contrast the Aikidoist is just as willing to meet the person in not completing the divorce, as he was in completing it with absolutely no value judgment, loss of energy, or investment.

4. Utilization

The last principle that we want to identify as essential for an Aikido divorce warrior to master is the idea of utilization. This term was created by the famed hypnotist Milton Erickson, M.D. Utilization is the acceptance of the pattern of behavior which the most strongly characterizes what an individual or couple offers and using that as a way of connecting with them. For example, perhaps a client shares with you in a divorce situation in many ways that they are the one with the biggest hurt in this divorce. The tendency is reflexively want to get them to see that it isn’t true, try to convince them to let go of this position, or tell them that this view is not good for them. Here again the Aikido Divorce Warrior regards any of those attempts as just sophisticated ways of opposing an unacceptable behavior. Instead, the Aikido divorce Warrior uses the perspective of having the biggest hurt to form a connection with the client such as:

I really understand that you are the one who suffered the biggest hurt in this divorce. (Utilization) It is quite impressive how you have managed to cope as well as you have given your degree of hurt, (blending) but I am just not sure what you would like to do with that belief. Do you want to spend the rest of your life making him pay for hurting you, and what do you think would be sufficient payment? Or maybe you would like him to apologize to you forever. (Extending)

By using the client’s own material with total acceptance, a dilemma is created in which the divorcing couple needs to choose to follow your direction or make a constructive change. You win either way. In either case the professional is not opposing their beliefs, nor are you telling them to change. The Aikido divorce warrior is just aligning themselves where couples choose to spend their energy. However we are not just acknowledging their dance we are magnifying it and bringing it more into their conscious attention where they can see it as a decision that they can control and change.

Whether we work as mediators, divorce coaches, or on collaborative teams, we are constantly developing and integrating the art of becoming Aikido Divorce Warriors into our work. It is truly an art. From the moment a client challenges or seduces us there is tendency to want to revert to our objecting or oppositional conditioning. We have seen on numerous occasions professionals who declare themselves as collaborators become scared in a particular interaction and as a result begin to argue and defend themselves, reflective of more litigation thinking. However, we have found that the more we can accept our fears and hold onto ourselves in the presence of the client’s powerful seductive ways, the more we are able to utilize this model in helping our clients reduce their aggression or oppositional resistance. As a result we then able to experience a loving and authentic connection with ourselves and the divorcing couples we work with.

By Bruce Derman, Ph.D.

When looking at divorce, we tend to make several assumptions. We assume that the relationship in question didn’t work out for various reasons. Frequently, we see one more at fault that the other. In addition, we may all agree that the relationship needs to be dissolved as quickly as possible and the two partners need to move on to a new life.

Yet, what if I were to tell you that all these assumptions are based on a false premise that there was a marriage to end in the first place? What if there was only a marriage in name only? Then the question changes from asking, “How are we going to end this marriage?” to “What are we really ending?” In fact, have these two people even been in a marriage that requires an end?

I believe that many marriages, especially those which end in divorce, are merely arenas designed for the sole purpose of allowing each partner to achieve their individual needs: money, security, sex, children, or safety. In my view, this purpose does not speak to the essence of what a marriage is. As Carl Whitaker, a famous family therapist says, “Without an ‘Us-ness,’ there is no marriage.” A relationship requires a WE or an US. A relationship is not two people competing over their needs or even meeting another’s needs for a period of time.

The WE part is considered an entity in and of itself that transcends the self-serving needs, desires, and wants of the individual partners. It is much more than occupying space under the same roof or taking care of specific wants: sexual satisfaction, being provided for, or creating children in one’s image. Therapist and psychologist Terry Hargrave says, “A strong marriage requires both partners to let go of their single-minded search for self-fulfillment and commit themselves to the care and health of a third entity – the precious and fragile relationship they are creating together.” The relationship about which I am speaking has its own voice that is not his or hers, and which reflects the state of the WE that is present. Any time the voice of the relationship is not present, the marriage will be shaky or mostly a caricature. The tone of the WE voice is typically soft, its words brief, and it will never debate, defend, or attempt to prove what it says.

When I address the US of the struggling couples whom I work with, I hear the cries of the relationship: “I am emotionally starving,” “I feel sad,” “Proving that you are right doesn’t feed me,” “Slow down,” or “I need you to have a shared vision.” I have watched numerous couples, who would normally argue and polarize over anything and everything, merely listen when this voice is recognized as an entity separate from them.

My particular interest in this perspective comes from being around many couples who choose the often painful path of divorce when in truth they had never showed up to create a “marriage” in the first place. As a result they are getting out of something that they were never in. They were only living under the illusion of being in a marriage in hopes that the other will fulfill their favored images and needs. When this illusion crumples in anxious disappointment, they both run for the divorce path so that they move on to another fantasy. Ultimately, without the commitment to creating a WE, all of these efforts which partners expend will only be self-serving.

As part of my work as a divorce coach in the Coalition for Collaborative Divorce, I do not want couples to end whatever they have had together based on the false premise that they were in a real marriage. I would rather hear them admit, however difficult it may be, that they were never committed to creating a real WE from the beginning and that their marriage was merely an image. From this equally humble place in which no one is to blame, they can have a chance to start over and choose to have a marriage in the true sense of the word. If after a period of attempting to support a WE relationship they still determine that they are not able to realize a shared vision, I support their desire to end it. At that point I would gladly participate in assisting them in resolving their divorce with humility, dignity, and no false illusions.

In my years of practice, I have observed that couples going through divorce often have different agendas and motivations. It is vital to know what these are and if they are playing a role in your particular situation.

Below is a list of the primary motivations that can control and dictate the divorce process.

1. Go out of their way to avoid conflict because the couple can't handle the tension.

2. Want to prove that they have the biggest hurt and want the other to pay for what they have done.

3. Are primarily interested in protecting themselves from their fears.

4. Only interested in moving on and getting away from the marriage.

5. Proving that they are the one who is right and competent.

6. Want to prove that they are independent and need no one.

7. Refuse to let go of the marriage and the breakup of the family so they will use and delay any aspect of the divorce process.

8. Want the stimulation of the familiar emotional charge.

9. Look to validate some idealized image like "nice guy."

10. Show everyone that no one will take advantage of them.

The Four Qualities of a Full Yes

MENTAL: My thoughts and values are in line with this decision.

EMOTIONAL: All my feelings are in tune with this decision.

PHYSICAL: My physical energy supports this decision.

SPIRITUAL: This decision fulfills my higher purpose.

If any of the levels fail to have a full yes, then the agreement will be diluted either 25%, 50%, 75% or 100%, and you will end up with a sloppy agreement which will create havoc in your relationship

Did I really say that there are no difficult people? Amazing as that may sound, that’s exactly what I said. What about the obnoxious ones or the know-it-alls? What about the people who won’t stop talking or those who create constant emotional drama? Can there be any doubt that extremely passive and withdrawn people are impossible to be with, as well as those who make a hobby out of attacking anyone and everyone?

While all these characterizations certainly represent interesting challenges, it is my position that none of these traits are the final determiners of whether someone is difficult. The ultimate test is your capacity to be open to the full range of possible responses that you are potentially capable of. Your capacity to respond with great flexibility depends on where you are in relation to the five movements of life; moving toward, away, against, up and down. It is the life task for each of us to learn all five of these movements, and use the one that bests suits a given situation with a particular person. Too often many of us robotically select the same movement, regardless of what the situation call for.

An example of this occurred in a state hospital where several therapists were trying to get a patient who talked in word salad -- mixing isolated words together -- to make sense. After a short period of time, each doctor gave up frustrated and exhausted as the patient continued his word salad rhetoric. Then another doctor who had been listening to this stepped in, but in contrast to the others he made no attempt to get the patient to make sense. Instead, he totally joined in the word salad style of relating for hour after hour with the patient. Finally after five hours the patient turned to him and said “When are you going to make sense, Doc?” All the other therapists were shocked that this patient, who they declared as a totally difficult and impossible could respond like that. In truth, it never occurred to them to join his behavior

Before proceeding further let me share with you the nature of the five movements:

Moving toward - This consists of moving toward someone and expressing a particular need, such as “I want to be with you” or asking for something such as “Can you hold me?” It would be hard to take care of yourself without this movement.

Moving away - This involves moving away from someone and creating a physical space for yourself, where you can support your limits and take care of your own needs. “I need to be alone right now,” “That is all the time I have to listen.” Without the freedom to do this, you will build up resentment and fail to take care of yourself.

Opposing - In order for your “yes” to have meaning, you need to have the ability to say “NO”, so that you are able to define your boundaries when you are presented with something that doesn’t fit you. “It is unacceptable for you to smoke in this room.” Many people who are pleasers do not have the option of this movement, so they need to suppress these feelings.

Moving up – To be able to move up allows you take the higher road in so called negative situations and open yourself to various spiritual qualities, such as compassion, unconditional love and acceptance, empathy, and deep trust. All of which are necessary in reaching higher levels of being in the world.

Moving down - This movement has the worst reputation and the least respect, yet it truly separates men from little boys and women from little girls. To accomplish this movement you need to be able to express feelings of inadequacy, disappointment, powerlessness, insecurity, awkwardness, confusion, and helplessness as authentic expressions without any judgment or sense that these are problems. They need to be seen as acceptable aspects of your humanity, which is quite a challenge for most of us since we tend to see them as unacceptable problems.

As I previously stated, we typically favor one or two of these movements and disregard the rest, resulting in us adopting the same movement regardless of the different situations we confronted with. So some people act passive and withdrawn even if the situation calls for a very different movement. Thus, they lose their flexibility and default to expressing only familiar responses. The same is true for those who always need to act superior no matter who they are with. They fail to realize that if you go one up with puffed up little boy bosses, it will be a costly disaster.

Recommended movements

If you selectively and consciously use the movements mentioned above in challenging situations, then you will be able to transform what happens in dealing with difficult people into successful outcomes. Below are some examples of categories of people who are typically seen as difficult.

Puffed-up people - There are many times you will run into people who have a need to act superior and want to instruct, lecture, correct, blame, and label you. By far, the most effective way of dealing with this person is the movement you try to continuously avoid and that is going one down. This includes expressing disappointment, confusion, inadequacy, powerlessness and insecurity as the movement of choice. So if the boss says you are continuously failing him, respond non- defensively by saying that “I really hear that I am not able to satisfy you” with no judgment or emotional reaction. This will create a dilemma for your boss, in which he has to agree with you or his only other choice is to affirm you. In either case you win, since you are no longer a reactive player in his game.

Compulsive invasive people - This person will be constantly invading your space and smothering you with words, questions, or needs. Assuming that you have tried to talk logically or politely to avert this to no avail, it is time for you to use an opposing movement with a very clear no message. It would sound like, “I am not available to listen right now.” “But I need to talk.” “I hear that, but I am not available.” “What about just for ten minutes?” “No, I am not available.”

High emotional drama people - This person will personalize every word or gesture and use it to magnify any emotional moment. You will feel like you are walking gingerly through landmines in hopes of not setting off the explosions. If any of these emotional missiles strike you, you will be defending yourself constantly. Using the moving away movement and increasing the distance between the two of you will minimize any damage. By moving to a suitable emotional distance, you will become more of an observer and no longer absorbing all this energy in your body.

Extremely distrusting people - Let’s say you are with a partner who has great difficulty trusting any intimate expressions and you are becoming exhausted in trying to prove that you love and care for him. Each attempt seems to be discounted and has no impact. This may be a time for you to move up and tap into your unconditional love and acceptance and stop all ways of proving your love. When your partner says that he or she doesn’t trust that you care or love them, you merely say, “I understand what you believe about me,” and just look at them lovingly saying “I love you” as you effortlessly hold that position. Of course, they will express doubt as to your sincerity, but you are to remain calm and make no change in your statement or your loving feeling. You will just hold your loving container as long as they remain in disbelief.

So I hope I have provided you with a new way of looking at people and the challenges that they present, along with showing you a greater variety of ways of approaching them. You need to remember to look at the five movements that are available to you in a given moment rather than becoming fixated on the other person’s behavior. Then after choosing the movement that you sense would be most effective, make a commitment that you will sustain that movement as long as the other person remains in their position. Do not change the movement until you feel in your body that the “difficult” person has made a real shift in their attitude or behavior. Even if they make no change, you are no longer reactive and have taken care of yourself. Each time that you are able to adopt this new flexibility, your sense of empowerment will greatly increase.